Well, i'm here again after a good 2 months or so? Apparently the only person that still visit "pomiya" is myself every once in a while looking out at the tagboard which use to be quite busy, haha. Guess its going to be another one of those "can't sleep, start thinking, need to talk it out" post again. yeah, i dont know if its insomnia but it definitely keeps me awake at times i really want to be asleep.
All these time that i dont sleep it just keeps me thinking, and i HATE thinking SOMETIMES. Just the other day i was having lunch with my brother at kim san leng and we were eating the all famous chicken rice there! and well, i was kind of reminded of my dad when i saw this father feeding his daughter a plate of chicken rice, and i was reminded about how my weekends back then were like. We (my family inclusive of my dad) would go out for breakfast together EVERY weekend, half the time at the old macs, the other half at kim san leng. my dad always warned me against wasting food hence i just develop this habit of cleaning my plate pretty well, to the point that ill clear EVERY grain of rice left.
I also remember this conversation with my dad that we had while we were having our chicken rice. I being a good kid always finished my vegetable ( Its true!) and as usual i finished the rice and ALL the cucumber, but i left 2 little slices of chicken meat, it was quite bland so yeah, and my dad finished everything except for the cucumbers. after seeing our plates and comparing ( i was a kid, i compared everything with my dad ) i decided to make a comment : "Daddy, i finished everything" with a little proud smirk on my face. but he said : " you never finished your chicken!" and i said "you never finished your cucumber!" then he finished me off : " this is CHICKEN rice not CUCUMBER rice!" and i just kept quiet cause technically i lost.... haha.. as meaningless as it might seem, this little conversation just means so much to me.
i guess if i told you that i hate my dad or that i don't ever want to see him after what he did to my mom, i'd be lying to you. i DO miss how it feels to be loved by a father, i DO miss having this figure that i look up to, i DO miss being punished by standing against a corner, i DO miss everything he does, i DO miss my dad........ i guess i really want to feel how its like having a complete family again.
i'd probably said this before, but i always saw my dad as a flawless figure, someone i want to be when i grow. but after all these, even he turned to sin, the devil got the better of him and turned him in an adulterer. But as a dear sister once told me, even King David a righteous man of God fell to adultery, what more a mere man who worshiped FAKE idols. I hated him so much for a point of my life that i wanted him and his ****h to die, and not just die naturally or anything, but brutally tortured by yours truely.
Life became tougher and tougher for me, and i turned to friends which were, how should i put this, "unholy" all they do is shout vulgarities, hang out in arcades , fight and stuff like that. i slowly turned "unholy" with them.
Until i met God. However much i wished i could be a GPA 4 student, the BEST fighter, a SUPERB dancer, EPL player, i wasn't. reason being, it just isn't part of God's plan for me! and i'd just have to trust that his awesome plans will be best for me. I came to know God by the lost of my dear blood father, and i guess that's God's way of COMING to me rather than me GOING to the Lord, i mean, the LORD ( KING OF KINGS, LORD OF LORDS, MIGHTY SAVIOR OF ALL) CAME TO ME! DO YOU SEE THE QUEEN OF ENGLAND GOING TO PPL's HOUSES TO SAY SHE LOVES YOU??? I GUESS NOT!!! DID SHE SEND ANY OF HER CHILDREN TO DIE SO YOU DONT HAVE TO??? I GUESS NOT, SHE'D RATHER YOU DIE FOR HER INSTEAD! THIS WORLD IS IN ONE BIG PILE OF SHIT, PPL KNOWING THAT THE LORD POURED OUT HIS LOVE IN THE FORM OF SENDING HIS SON TO DIE FOR US, TO REDEEM US OF THE SIN THAT WE WE WE WE DID, SO WE CAN HAVE ETERNAL LIFE WITH HIM, HOW IS THIS NOT LOVE HOW EXPLAIN HOW?!?! ALL WE HAVE TO DO IS ACCEPT HIS LOVE, WORSHIP THE ONE TRUE GOD! SERIOUSLY I DONT UNDERSTAND HOW SOME PPL KNOWING FAIR WELL THAT GOD CAME DOWN AS A HUMAN TO ENDURE WHAT WE DID AND MUCH MUCH MORE AND YET CAN STILL TALK SO BADLY ABOUT HIM, THAT'S JUST RIDICULOUS IN MY BOOK. I HATE HOW SOME IDIOTS CAN BLATANTLY INSULT HIS ALL SO HIGH AND MIGHTY NAME LIKE ITS OK? AND HOW SOME PPL KNOWING WHAT HELL IS STILL DECIDES TO GO DOWN THAT ROUTE. WHY ? WHY? WHY? THIS WORLD SUCKS, SATAN SUCKS A MILLION TIMES MORE FOR MAKING THIS WORLD LIKE THAT.
I hope that my love for God will never ever be lost, even if it means losing my best friends. I know my God never changed his love for me, the same at the beginning, the same at the end. My God is bigger than all my lousy trials, that im facing now or in the future, my God is the BEST!
