Driving is super fun!!! haha even though only started 2 lessons. driving is awesome! haha first time driving on the PUBLIC road! muahaha. i think im damn good at driving la. HAHA
GOD IS AWESOME!! HIS SO AWESOME , HIS MORE AWESOME THAN ME X100000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 and the number goes on and on and on.
GOOD DAY! (: 9:08 AM
Sunday, March 7, 2010;
SCHOOL'S OUT! Wohoooooooooooo..
Its Holidays Yoooooo.. MUAHAHA. LOL. If anyone has some sorta good HIGH emphasis on HIGH paying job aka lobangs, pls tell me K! :D
My God have been doing great things for me during the exams period, not to my surprise, cause his the God who providesss!! HIS AWESOME!!! :D
GOOD DAY! (: 5:40 PM
Monday, March 1, 2010;
sigh i wonder if anyone even comes here anymore.
this is gonna be another emo post and shit.
i dread CNY.
why? cause its a time of a family reunion and that's not what i see. i mean going to my Grandma's place and all. but it just doesn't feel right. this might sound like im sadistic or sth but i everytime i see happy families on the street, visiting, seeing my friends' happy family it really makes me feel SORE. i feel useless i feel horrible. watching how fathers dote on their children watching how they love them. its not a feeling i never had, i used to feel so so loved. i swear at that moment i had the BEST damn family in this entire rotting world. but sadly temptations from the devil are really strong enough to turn the best person into the worst.
the role model that i looked up to, the one that taught me right ethics, the one that i THOUGHT was that all i ever needed, the one that LOVE me or rather LOVED me sigh i dont know. the BEST BEST BEST person or so i thought.
ever since you left. a lot of emotions started to pour in. sadness, anger, confusion, hatred and finally when i "got used to it" i became numb. it was really bad 2 or 3 year of my life. imagine having all this mixed emotions when your only what 11 years old? it SUCKS. its the point of your life when learn stuff. and ur departure didn't help a single bit. i started to pick up vulgarities and hanging out with people i shouldn't be with.
your leaving probably made me lose my childhood for all its worth. not much to you obviously. even after leaving. i only saw you once a week, then it became once per 2 weeks, then it became once per month, then it became only when your free, then it became never? i enjoyed those times though really i did but i didn't enjoy the extra company that was probably the root to all this bullshit.
i guessed you still loved me even after leaving, i think remember how i hurt your feelings then when i tore up those fake wrestling cards that you bought me, i was young then i wanted to be "COOL" so to prove that i tore them up in front of my friends. then there was all those suppers, all those stay overs, and really all those expensive gifts on birthdays, Christmas, and occasionally good results even though i had rarely express my thanks, but that's also because i couldn't overcome that part of me that said, "WHY DO YOU EVEN TALK TO THIS MAN, HIS THE REASON YOU AND EVERYONE FROM YOUR FAMILY NOW IS SUFFERING". hatred was the more dominating emotion at that moment.
i was just overdosed with hatred. i started venting my anger on innocent bystanders, my brother the biggest victim i bullied him every chance i could have i attacked him physically and verbally in every possible ways i could, and my poor mom, probably feeling it worse than i am and still needing to take my nonsense, having to put up with an insensitive ASSHOLE who knew NOTHING really.
and after all these my mom decided to look for a religion to settle in, where she can find peace and she ended in Grace. i always had took this as a trade, earthly Father for HEAVENLY Father. and that was probably the greatest deal i had made in this life of mine.
but it really took a great period of time before i really understood that deal.
as i started to see him less and less, my hatred faded away slowly and now. i really missed him. but i had no courage to admit that fact. it was tough even now it still is. i hate CNY because i dont see you in the family pictures, i hate CNY because i dont receive ur ang pao anymore, i hate CNY because you dont drive me to Malaysia anymore, i hate CNY because your never there to celebrate anything else with me anymore.
you made me wonder what really a family is suppose to be.
friends come and go. but family will stay - as least that's what their suppose to do.
my friends were really the ones that kept that smile on my face the ones known as the "Casanovas" they mean so so so so so so so much to me. my cell, Saltshakers and COOL, these are also another group of people who also really looked out for me in different ways but they were really the ones who were always there when i needed someone. THANK YOU GUYS! I LOVE YOU ALL !! :)
not many people know about me not having a father cause he left the family, that was because i was too ashamed, it felt like my fault that this happen, i could've have done something, anything? but i just didn't like telling people about this it just makes me feel even more inferior to their happy families and i hated that a lot. even now i feel very uncomfortable inviting people to my house only to hear them asking, "Why you family picture dont have your father?" "Where's your father?" " What's your father working as?" "How come i never see your father before?" i hated these questions a lot. i normally just changed the topic or worse, LIE.
and of cause My Heavenly DAD ! the one ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS there for me consoling me, advising me through his many ways, giving and taking away, who already had plans for me even before i was born. and always the plans were for my GOOD. and it was through God i realised i should have changed all my bad ways and become that good person that God or even you had wanted me to me.
the void that you left in me when you left my life is slowly being filled with all these awesome people! and who better to thank then God himself, who WAS,IS and WILL be the one who loves me the MOOOOOOOOOOOST. I know for sure at least God will NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER leave me cause he promised not to. and his definitely a man of his words.
My God is God who provides! He is mighty to save! GOD is GOOD, FOREVER! FOREVER, GOD is GOOD!
(to whoever who even saw this post, pls pls dont ask me if im fine cause obviously i'm not the best i can be, or don't try to console me or make me feel better cause i doubt it'd work. i know its really pathetic to be in such a self pity state but by writing it down i really feel much better! :D )
(or rather is just the exams fever messing with my emotions. )
